NOT a Jellybean?

Halfway through spring break...a whole week of not driving the kids to and from school...no making school lunches...finally getting to sleep in...no plans. Of course I have wrecked it by getting a cold, but I am still managing to get them out for some fun. They are a bit demanding...wanting me to FEED them and all... and the boys have baseball practices and games, which is cutting into my "not having a schedule"...as for sleeping in...I'm getting some extra sleep here and there...from the kids...but the dog doesn't seem to realize we are off this week!

It's almost Easter. I love the Easter season. The colors are pretty, the decorations are so cute...I always decorate the house with all my Spring and Easter goodies. Hmm...but as I look around me, I hardly have any decorations out! "Why?" you ask? Because I could not find my box of Easter stuff. Oh, I knew it was  here...somewhere. After an extensive search of the house, I was fairly certain it was in the garage...or as I like to call it..."hoarder central". OK, so it's not that bad...it's just that I can't access the area I need to get to, because my husband has it tightly packed and the only access portal is through the big garage door...but to open it, I need to somehow get to it and unlock it...and since I have killed a black widow or two in the garage....there is NO way that I would crawl around in there! So after some subtle hints...(more like all out begging), the husband went on the hunt for the Easter stuff. He finally found it..."It was buried under everything," he told me, "I guess I thought we wouldn't need it for awhile...once a year and all." Wow...we REALLY need to clean out the garage, if that box has been buried for a year!

Actually, saying that I don't have anything Easter out, is not quite true...I am STILL finding that plastic Easter basket grass in the kids' rooms. It migrates out into the hall and gets tangled around our toes. I find it in corners and under their beds...I hate that grass. I knew better....but I waited too long last year to go shopping and that was all that was left. Not THIS  year! I went out weeks ago and got the PAPER grass...but now I am thinking maybe I should just go for NO grass...I try to fill the baskets with something besides candy anyway...so would they really notice if there wasn't any grass? The oldest would....

The one thing they can't live without is the jellybeans. I love them too...and I find them all over the house after Easter. I remember a couple of years ago when I was finding candy all over the house. I was tidying up the house before picking the boys up from school. The little one was in preschool and was already home from her day at school....

I had just cleaned up a bunch of Easter grass and candy in the kids' rooms and was on my way downstairs to get the youngest ready for departure. As I got to the bottom step, I looked down and saw a jellybean on the carpet. "Geez!" I thought, "They even have candy on the stairs!" I bent down to retrieve it and noticed it was a light lavender color..."This is an odd color," I thought to myself, "must be one of the newest flavors." I started to bring it up to my mouth...(don't ask why I am eating things I find on the floor!) as I touched it to my lips, my brain started to scream..."Not a Jellybean!! Not a jellybean!!  It's a Tick!... TICK!...TICK!" ARGH!!!  My arm heard my brain and threw the jellybean/tick across the room as I raced around the house...eww, eww, eww,  frantically wiping at my tongue. I ran to the sink and stuck my tongue under the faucet...."EWW, EWW, EWW...TICK, TICK, TICK!...by this time, the little one has taken notice of her mother running around the house screaming and asks, "What are you doing, mom?" "Oh... nothing..." I say...trying to look as normal as I can while scraping my tongue with a paper towel...

I still had to go find the tick...and was holding out hope that it really was just a jellybean. I mean, why would a tick be that size? Although it did look suspiciously like the tick we pulled off the dog, a few days ago...I searched the entry way and saw the offending parasite. I picked it up with a paper towel and ran for the bathroom. Throwing it into the toilet, I bent down for a closer look...LEGS! It has LEGS! UGH!!!! TICK!! I LICKED A TICK!! ARGH!!!! Filled with the heebie jeebies and hoping I didn't get some gross disease, I loaded up the youngest and headed to the school. Of course my antics had made us late, and I knew I would owe an explanation...

I made the mistake of telling a few friends about what happened...and hence my new nickname.."T.L....otherwise known as Tick Licker"... Nice friends I have! I've learned my lesson though...oh, no...not "don't eat candy off the floor...I still do that...but now I inspect it to make sure it isn't a tick or some other disgusting thing. (don't judge me...the kids don't share...I have to take what I can get!)

April 1st...My FAVORITE day!

Everyone has a favorite holiday...some people love Christmas, some love Easter....I love all of the holidays...but I live for April Fool's Day! I plot and I plan...The pranks of April Fool's go back to my childhood. The one year my mom served us steak and eggs for breakfast...I eagerly cut into my steak...anticipated the wonderful flavors...ACK! It wasn't steak...it was LIVER! Good one, Mom! It's OK...I got her back by bringing coffee to her bedside...except it wasn't coffee...it was prune juice!

In high school, I made up outlandish stories about how we were going to have to wear jumpsuit uniforms, wait until we are 18 before we can get a driver's license and how the high school was being rebuilt to include a revolving cafeteria. Man, my friends were so gullible.  My roommates were my victims in college, and now they don't answer the phone if I call on April 1st.

In my waitressing days, we would unscrew the salt and pepper lids, so when the other waitstaff went to use them the seasoning would dump out on their food. That did not make us popular with our co-workers.... When I worked for a builder, we were building homes on the side of a mountain, overlooking the ocean. One April Fool's Day, I called the construction superintendent and told him a home buyer reported a deer stuck in the culvert in the ravine. Ten men were dispatched to go look for it. They would call and check in saying they couldn't find it..."keep looking," I would say. After about 45 minutes I gave in and on their next call they said, "we can't find it." I replied, "oh...maybe you can't find it because it's APRIL FOOL'S!" The words that came through the phone....I hung up and locked the door, just in case they tried to get even.

My reputation is so notorious that my mother and sisters pick up the phone with, "I know it's April Fool's Day, so don't even think about it." DARN IT...they have taken the wind out of my sails for sure.

For the past 10 years, I have woken up my husband with, "OMIGOSH! The dog has crapped all over the floor downstairs. Multiple rooms..it's disgusting!!" Every year he leaps out of bed, cursing and stumbles downstairs to see the mess...I make him go from room to room, searching for it. When he finally looks confused, I say, "APRIL FOOL'S!!" doubling over with laughter at the thought of getting him yet again. I was having a good run...and then it happened...he caught on! Last year, I did my yearly, "Omigosh!..." only to have him finish with..."the dog pooped on the floor....yeah, yeah...April Fool's..." and then pulled the covers up and rolled over. Oh....defeated!

So last year I took it easy on everyone. I gave the kids' rice cakes for breakfast...they stared at the lonely dry rice cake in disbelief..."Try it," I said, "It's all we have." The middle child took a bite and shook his head, "Disgusting!" he exclaimed. The other two took a nibble and looked at me in desperation. I quickly gave in.  But that was it...my only joke. My big joke was no joke. While everyone sat by their phones, waiting for the inevitable...I never called. Their day was fraught with anticipation...only to not have it come. Victory was mine!

But it's a new year and again I am ready to try my best! I slept in late and missed the whole dog poop opportunity...but I did get the oldest son when he was getting ready for church. I came in to "help" him choose something to wear. "It's Palm Sunday," I told him. "This is the day when all the boys wear shorts and tank tops to mass."  I threw a pair of shorts at him, "I don't see a tank top in your drawer, so wear this," and handed him a red tank top of his sister's. He already had the shorts on and took one look at the shirt. "no way Mom!!" I am not wearing that!" he said in dismay. "You have to...it's the rule," I said, slipping the top over his head. "Now go show your Dad and see what he thinks." He stepped out into the hall as his dad rounded the corner. "That looks good," said Dad. The poor kid ran back to his room. "I can't wear this!" As he started to stress out about it, his Dad nodded at me to let him in on the prank. (Darn...it was just getting good!) "OK...you don't have to wear it...because it's APRIL FOOL'S!" He looked at me with shock and disbelief...and then broke into a grin as he threw his head back and laughed....and laughed...until he doubled over....SUCCESS!


I got the next kid by telling him that no one had catechism today, but him. In fact he has a two hour catechism and would miss his playdate because of it. But as I saw the obvious dismay on his face and the tears coming, I quickly said "April Fool's" and was rewarded with a huge grin and a giggle.

The husband is a harder sell...I have been wracking my brain all afternoon. I finally decided on a prank. I put a rubberband around the spray nozzle at the kitchen sink. So if he turns on the faucet, the nozzle will spray him right in the gut. "hee, hee...I am brilliant," I think to myself. It's doubtful he will fall for it...the rubberband is bright green and the faucet is bronze...but still it's worth a shot. He came in to the kitchen and stood looking at the TV. I was dying to stay and watch...but didn't want to be obvious. About a minute later, I hear, "Son of a #@$%!! You got me!" HURRAY FOR ME!! I got him! I'm back! I've got my mojo!

We are on our way to a friend's house, so I guess I will put away my pranks for now. But when we get home, the kids will find their light switches taped down and won't be able to turn on the lights in their rooms...and when they go to brush their teeth, they will find mayonnaise instead of toothpaste...Whee...this day just keeps getting better and better!!!

The Night that Wouldn't End...

I hate bedtime. It's like herding cats. The kids are going in different directions and I have to tell them to do something at least 3 times, before it gets done. Right now it is 45 minutes past their set bedtime. The middle child begged me to let him finish his new Lego set (he got a ton of them for his birthday)...the youngest is bugging me because she is "scared" and wants to sleep in big brother's room and big brother is down here pleading with me to not let sister sleep in his room. Meanwhile there is screaming, yelling and door slamming...which drives the dog insane, and he is panting and running in circles...

(photo from web)

The little one peeks down the stairs, "I am washing my face!" she announces..."I have soap all over it!" Okay...that's a new one. One minute later, she makes her way downstairs, "I know I look like a freak" she says, "I can't get the soap off my face!" Oh brother! I take her into the kitchen, get a wet paper towel and wipe down her face, only to find that I am making the soap foam up. "Wow, that's a lot of soap!" I think. I get another paper towel and try again...now she is downright frothy! I take her upstairs, get a wet washcloth and try again...wiping up to the hairline...and see that the soap is in her hair and I have just made it worse. UGH! Now I have to put her in the shower. "Why were you washing your face?" I ask. She starts crying and says, "Because my brother put a booger on my face!"

I find myself once again yelling something I never thought I would say, "Don't wipe boogers on your sister's face!" From the bedroom comes, "I didn't really do it, Mom! I was just kidding!" After getting the little one rinsed off and into pajamas, I went into the oldest's room. "For future reference," I tell him, "Don't even pretend to put a booger on your sister. She is 6 and it will freak her out." I went on to tell him how she went overboard with the soap...we had a good laugh, and he promised he wouldn't do it again...I wonder if I should have added, "Don't wipe a booger on your brother either!"  Oh well, I guess we will just fight that battle when we come to it. I'm thinking the younger brother will be the one to wipe a real booger on his brother...it's not going to be a pretty scene.

(photo from the web)

At 9:45pm, the kids are still not asleep...they are working me for more time with their lights on. It is now an hour and a half past bedtime. The husband walks through the door, just as the eldest is on his way down the stairs. "What are you doing up?" he asks. "I'm getting the dog," he explains. At 10, the poor kid is desperate for a dog of his own. Oh, we have a dog...but he is 14 and crabby. And he's really my dog. Follows me everywhere...which I love...well, except when I am changing my clothes and he stares at me. Makes me think he is thinking, "Good God! You have really let yourself go!" and then I feel so self conscious...

(Yep...this is Maverick...staring at me!)

Anyway, the dog refuses to go upstairs without me, so I have to take him upstairs to sleep on the bottom bunk of the 10 year old's bed. I generally don't allow this, but I feel bad because I accidentally tripped the dog earlier and he kind of fell. (Don't feel bad, Maverick...I tripped and fell down in the playroom yesterday...)

"So how was your night?" asks my husband. "Did you bring any beer home?" I ask. "Noooo," he replies. "I can't believe you left me with no beer!" I say. "Be right back!" he says as he heads out the door. "MOM!" I am being summoned..."Can I have some water?" asks the middle child. "Will you sleep with me?" calls out the youngest..."  This is the night that will never end...It's not like I have anything else to do...just empty out the lunch boxes, start the dishwasher, fold clothes, wash their white "jog" shirts for tomorrow...oh and copy down a verse for the little one so she can try out for the speech meet...yeah...that's not a lot. Forget the beer...I'm making a pot of coffee!

Not a Hoarder...A Packrat!

I think I have hoarding tendencies... I have over 29,000 emails in my inbox...logically, I know I can't possibly read them all... I have a huge basket of unmatched socks...I realize that their mates have gone on to the mystical place on the "other side"...of the dryer. I watched an episode of "Hoarders" the other night, which totally freaked me out. The woman had a nice clean house...but three bedrooms were full of junk. Not gross stuff like cat poop and dead animals...just normal stuff that one might "store".  Every time I watch "Hoarders" I run around on the commercials, throwing stuff out.  I could see myself filling up a guest room with stuff I am storing...if I HAD a guest room...guess I am glad I don't...And I don't think I would take it so far as to fill up a basement, my kid's basement, two storage units and a 9,000 square foot store front...but left unchecked...I might fill the garage... Oh wait..there is no room in there...half of the garage is still full of boxes from our old house...it's been a year and we are STILL moving in.

My sisters give me clothes for my boys...I am storing clothes they will wear in TEN years...Hmm...maybe I shouldn't be keeping bins and bins of them in the playroom closet...having all this stuff to take care of, stresses me out! I used to keep every scrap of paper the kids bring home from school...and then my mom gave me a box of my own schoolwork...and I realized just a few things from each phase of school is enough. I get to share  them with my kids and we can compare handwriting. That's all we need...but I'm still having a hard time parting with stuff...

This isn't new...this has been going on for years...I am the youngest of four girls...my older sister would never let us in her room. Every so often, she would want to get rid of stuff and she would invite us into her room, for an "auction". She would hold up an item and we would bid on it. We were thrilled that we got to go in her room and left with all kinds of treasures, and no money. Come to think of it...I think the same sister is the one who told me.."you need to collect something"...she made me collect salt and pepper shakers. Which I still have...and in Highschool, I had a pig for FFA...so I collected pigs...statues, stuffed animals...you name it.  In the 90's this same sister got my mom and other sisters collecting Beanie Babies. We were so competitive and out of control! Actually...it could have been any sister that started that craze...but I took it to new lengths, trying to get each beanie before they did...I STILL have two large bins of them and just donated 60 of them to the kids' school!

Two of my kids are "collectors"..."I need this for my rock collection," says the youngest. "She collects rocks?" I think. Yep...has a stash of rocks in her room. The middle kid saves every scrap of paper...but not cool stuff from school...candy wrappers! WHAT? The oldest keeps every cherished thing he can get his hands on. If he remembers making it, he wants it. His room is full of projects...Mission project from 4th grade, Pinata project from 1st grade...dioramas, collages...notebooks, binders...you name it. His school Bible is missing its cover and pages are falling out but he won't let me replace it because, "I have had this since kindergarten!"

My bedroom looks like the closet threw up in it. All it really is... is a shrine to the clothes that I will never be able to fit in again. I save everything thinking, "That's really cute. I will wear that when I lose 10 (or 20) lbs." I have clothes that span four dress sizes and ten years. My closet cannot handle the sheer volume of clothes I am trying to hold onto. Let's be honest...I wear the same things every day...there is my "mom uniform":  long-sleeved T-shirt, jeans, flats and a jacket. I have my "workout outfit" (which can also be used as my mom uniform) sweat pants, sports bra, T-shirt and running shoes...and I have my church outfit...which...now that I think about it, is pretty much the exact same thing as my "mom uniform" (except with better shoes)...I bet if I took everything out of my closet, I would just fill up one rack...OR I could lose a bunch of weight and have a whole wardrobe at my disposal...See? That is the way I think. To be fair...I do have my summer mom uniform...capri pants and short sleeved shirts with flip flops. And I have the jackets I wear, the plethora of shoes...(because I hoard shoes) and some dressy outfits as well for the occasional night out, Easter, Christmas, etc.

But really...life would be much simpler, if I just de-junked. That's it...no more. I am going to let things go. No more storing things for years from now. No more holding on to my college books, and stuff the kids no longer care about. I am going to take my life back! Oh wait...what's this...a text from my sister?  Auction? I'M ON MY WAY!!