April 1st...My FAVORITE day!

Everyone has a favorite holiday...some people love Christmas, some love Easter....I love all of the holidays...but I live for April Fool's Day! I plot and I plan...The pranks of April Fool's go back to my childhood. The one year my mom served us steak and eggs for breakfast...I eagerly cut into my steak...anticipated the wonderful flavors...ACK! It wasn't steak...it was LIVER! Good one, Mom! It's OK...I got her back by bringing coffee to her bedside...except it wasn't coffee...it was prune juice!

In high school, I made up outlandish stories about how we were going to have to wear jumpsuit uniforms, wait until we are 18 before we can get a driver's license and how the high school was being rebuilt to include a revolving cafeteria. Man, my friends were so gullible.  My roommates were my victims in college, and now they don't answer the phone if I call on April 1st.

In my waitressing days, we would unscrew the salt and pepper lids, so when the other waitstaff went to use them the seasoning would dump out on their food. That did not make us popular with our co-workers.... When I worked for a builder, we were building homes on the side of a mountain, overlooking the ocean. One April Fool's Day, I called the construction superintendent and told him a home buyer reported a deer stuck in the culvert in the ravine. Ten men were dispatched to go look for it. They would call and check in saying they couldn't find it..."keep looking," I would say. After about 45 minutes I gave in and on their next call they said, "we can't find it." I replied, "oh...maybe you can't find it because it's APRIL FOOL'S!" The words that came through the phone....I hung up and locked the door, just in case they tried to get even.

My reputation is so notorious that my mother and sisters pick up the phone with, "I know it's April Fool's Day, so don't even think about it." DARN IT...they have taken the wind out of my sails for sure.

For the past 10 years, I have woken up my husband with, "OMIGOSH! The dog has crapped all over the floor downstairs. Multiple rooms..it's disgusting!!" Every year he leaps out of bed, cursing and stumbles downstairs to see the mess...I make him go from room to room, searching for it. When he finally looks confused, I say, "APRIL FOOL'S!!" doubling over with laughter at the thought of getting him yet again. I was having a good run...and then it happened...he caught on! Last year, I did my yearly, "Omigosh!..." only to have him finish with..."the dog pooped on the floor....yeah, yeah...April Fool's..." and then pulled the covers up and rolled over. Oh....defeated!

So last year I took it easy on everyone. I gave the kids' rice cakes for breakfast...they stared at the lonely dry rice cake in disbelief..."Try it," I said, "It's all we have." The middle child took a bite and shook his head, "Disgusting!" he exclaimed. The other two took a nibble and looked at me in desperation. I quickly gave in.  But that was it...my only joke. My big joke was no joke. While everyone sat by their phones, waiting for the inevitable...I never called. Their day was fraught with anticipation...only to not have it come. Victory was mine!

But it's a new year and again I am ready to try my best! I slept in late and missed the whole dog poop opportunity...but I did get the oldest son when he was getting ready for church. I came in to "help" him choose something to wear. "It's Palm Sunday," I told him. "This is the day when all the boys wear shorts and tank tops to mass."  I threw a pair of shorts at him, "I don't see a tank top in your drawer, so wear this," and handed him a red tank top of his sister's. He already had the shorts on and took one look at the shirt. "no way Mom!!" I am not wearing that!" he said in dismay. "You have to...it's the rule," I said, slipping the top over his head. "Now go show your Dad and see what he thinks." He stepped out into the hall as his dad rounded the corner. "That looks good," said Dad. The poor kid ran back to his room. "I can't wear this!" As he started to stress out about it, his Dad nodded at me to let him in on the prank. (Darn...it was just getting good!) "OK...you don't have to wear it...because it's APRIL FOOL'S!" He looked at me with shock and disbelief...and then broke into a grin as he threw his head back and laughed....and laughed...until he doubled over....SUCCESS!


I got the next kid by telling him that no one had catechism today, but him. In fact he has a two hour catechism and would miss his playdate because of it. But as I saw the obvious dismay on his face and the tears coming, I quickly said "April Fool's" and was rewarded with a huge grin and a giggle.

The husband is a harder sell...I have been wracking my brain all afternoon. I finally decided on a prank. I put a rubberband around the spray nozzle at the kitchen sink. So if he turns on the faucet, the nozzle will spray him right in the gut. "hee, hee...I am brilliant," I think to myself. It's doubtful he will fall for it...the rubberband is bright green and the faucet is bronze...but still it's worth a shot. He came in to the kitchen and stood looking at the TV. I was dying to stay and watch...but didn't want to be obvious. About a minute later, I hear, "Son of a #@$%!! You got me!" HURRAY FOR ME!! I got him! I'm back! I've got my mojo!

We are on our way to a friend's house, so I guess I will put away my pranks for now. But when we get home, the kids will find their light switches taped down and won't be able to turn on the lights in their rooms...and when they go to brush their teeth, they will find mayonnaise instead of toothpaste...Whee...this day just keeps getting better and better!!!

I Can't Get Sick...I'm a Mom!

I'm sick. I have a bug. Sore throat...fever...the usual crud. But usually I get it from the kids...this time I'm the only one with it. I'm the one who brought it home. How is that even possible?  It's an interesting fever...comes on about 5:00pm...kids are home and I need to start dinner...could it be that it's really an adverse reaction to my having to cook? I wonder...

Love that my husband tells me..."Go to Bed!"...Uh Okaaaayyy....as I'm right in the middle of baking two dozen muffins, a load of laundry in the wash, another in the dryer and clothes on the back of the couch to fold. I can't just "go to bed"!  It's funny...when  my husband is sick, he comes home, puts himself in a NyQuil-induced coma and goes to bed. Just like that! I could never do that! Besides, being sick isn't allowed when you are a mom with three kids. My husband helped out with getting kids to bed...I'm not sure how happy they were, since at one point I heard the middle child exclaim, "Clearly, SOMEONE is NOT a kid person!"

Five hours later, I made my way to bed...which was about three hours earlier than usual! Bright and early the next day I hear:  "Take it easy today," says the husband. "Okaaayyy," I reply, going through the checklist in my head of all that I need to accomplish today. Our refrigerator is bare...I'm out of food for breakfast, we are down to the last roll of toilet paper, having to steal it from bathroom to bathroom....Lord help you if you forget it..."I will take it easy," I tell myself, "Right after I get all three kids to school, do the reading with the youngest, hit the grocery store, Costco and Target. Then I can take it easy...."

I get the kids to school (early!) and set off on my "to-do" list. Grocery store was quick and uneventful...headed to Costco and got there before they open. Remembering that I could not find my membership card, I headed over to the customer service desk as soon as the door opened. I told the man behind the counter that I could not find my Costco card. "So you need a temporary card?" he asked. "No...better make it a permanent card...that thing is gone!" I replied...thinking back to the massive search I did, to no avail, the last time I went to Costco. I moved over to the blue screen and smiled for the photo, which goes on the back of the card. "Here you go," he said as he handed me my new card. I thanked him and opened my wallet to place the card inside, thinking that I for sure won't lose this one! Wait...what's that? That looks like...is it? ...No...can't be....UGH...there it is...my missing COSTCO CARD! Well....now I have TWO!

Got through Costco without hurting myself, spending too much money or getting my heels clipped by an overzealous shopper trying to get a sample from the cheese lady. I even picked the right checkout line for once! OK...almost done...I just need to stop by Target for a couple of things...hit Target, load up the cart with the things I think I can't live without and head to the checkout. The lines were long and the people were crabby. As I waited in line, I couldn't help but notice the two women behind me...mainly because they were standing RIGHT behind me. If this lady moved any closer, she would be my conjoined twin!

I hate it when people infringe on my personal space. I tried to edge forward...she edged forward. Seriously? You want to occupy the same space I am in? WHY? I could tell that these two were in a big hurry and were getting very impatient as the woman in front of me pulled out her coupons. OK..I'll admit it...I started to feel a little surly...As the woman's transaction was coming to an end, I struck up a conversation with her. "Excuse me," I said, "How much do you think you saved today with your coupons?" I could feel hot breath on the back of my neck as the woman behind me sighed loudly. "I did pretty well," she answered and asked the checker what her total was before coupons. She went on to tell me exactly what she saved on, how many soaps she bought, how many kids she has, where she gets her coupons, all about the double coupons of Target...and so on..and on...and on... I chuckled to myself as the woman behind me clipped my heels with her toes...she was SO close to me! OK...I more than chuckled...I laughed maniacally in my head. She tried to push me forward by moving my cart..which I was holding onto! I didn't budge.

Finally, the woman in front of me says goodbye and it's my turn! I stand at the counter, next to where the ATM is...and the lady behind me stands shoulder-to-shoulder to me! I turn to stare at her and her phone rings. Darn! Just when I was going to give her my best 'stink-eye'! Now she is on the phone and loudly talks to the person on the other end...and to me...at least I think it was to me, since she was yelling in my ear! I looked over at her friend who was immersed in a gossip magazine...

She hung up the phone and loudly announced to her shopping buddy...and the rest of the store...that they needed to hurry...they were going to go meet their friend soon. This was getting more fun by the minute..."Oh..." I said to the checker, "May I see those towels?...I'm not sure that I want them." She handed me the towels as I touched each one to decide if I truly wanted them. "Yeah...I don't want these after all..." The checker then had to take each towel and return it. I could feel the impatience radiating off the  woman behind me. As I slowly counted out my change, she resorted to foot stomping and started to elbow me.

I mentally thought of all the witty things I could say to this woman...but didn't trust myself and figured it would just come out snarky. After all...I am trying to work on forgiveness this Lenten season and doing random acts of kindness....I wonder if I can count holding my tongue as an act of kindness?
After this shopping trip, I just need to go home, drink some NyQuil and call it a day!

Work All Day...Get Nothing Done...

Why is it, that I work all day at something, yet nothing seems to get done? I used to think I had the ability to "multi-task"...but that was pre-children...when all my brain cells were still intact. Since the kids have sucked the life out of me, I have the attention span of a fly...

Here is how a typical day of "cleaning" goes. I get the laundry going, walk out of the laundry room, see a toy that the youngest has left out...I take it up to her room to put it away and see that the bed is unmade. I start to make the bed, but I can't because she has too many stuffed animals on her bed. I put the stuffed animals in the animal bucket and look around the room, getting all the animals off the floor...books from the playroom are on her bed, so I take them to the playroom...I go to put the books on the shelf, but the bookshelves are a mess, with books on their side or in stacks. I sit down on the floor and start sorting the books, size, genre, age group...oh but there are three book cases, so now I must ponder how I will reorganize them...I see a comforter sitting on the back of the couch and think, "I should put that away"...which then reminds me...Oh yeah...the laundry! I run downstairs to the laundry, put the clothes in the dryer and run upstairs to get more clothes for the wash. I go into the bathroom to collect towels and see toothpaste in the sink...I need to clean that! Spray the sink with cleaner and reach under the sink for paper towels. Curses...none in here...go downstairs for paper towels and notice the dishwasher needs emptying...I start emptying the dishwasher..then the dog needs to go out.

 I let the dog out, turn around and see that I should sort the kids school papers. I start sifting through them, dog wants back in...let him in, see that I was emptying the dishwasher and return to that chore...oh wait...the laundry! Run into the laundry room, see the empty washer...oh yeah...the towels! Come out of the laundry room, see the kids' blankets on the couch. I should really fold those. Go to the couch and start folding the blankets. Oh look, the TV...I should watch the show I recorded last night...Sit down and watch show while folding blankets, a task that takes 3 minutes. Watch hour show...turn off TV. Go into kitchen, see the open dishwasher...oh yeah, I was doing the dishes...start back on the dishwasher...look at the clock...Omigosh! Time to pick the kids up from school!! Worked all day...didn't finish a single task! "SQUIRREL!"

It's sad but true...and the eldest child is the same way...He starts one task...gets sidetracked...forgets what he is doing...I have to remind him every day to bring his spelling book home...and every day he forgets it... I have resorted to putting notes in his lunchbox..."SPELLING BOOK!" It's a toss-up whether it will work or not.  He leaves his band music home at least once a week, which means I have to rush home after drop off...tear the house apart, looking for his music and then tear across town, to get back to the school before band starts.

The middle son loses his jacket every week. He comes home without his jacket on Monday. On Tuesday, I send him to school with another jacket. By Wednesday, he has lost both jackets. Thursday, the first jacket turns up. I spend Friday morning at the school, digging through the lost and found bucket. I never find it in the bucket... But the jacket is usually back in our home within the week. He just doesn't pay attention. One day, he brought home a really nice red ski jacket. It was so warm and new! It just wasn't OUR really nice red ski jacket! I was mortified! Our son STOLE someone's jacket! He took it back the next day and traded it for his...so I am pretty sure his jacket goes home with some kid, only to be found by a mortified mother and sent back the next day.

The little one never remembers her library book. She leaves it in her desk and is so upset when she forgets to bring it home. She has it home for one day and then it is lost. The last library book was lost for two weeks. On library day, I came home from dropping her off and tore her room apart. Where could it be? Neither one of us could remember the name of the book...I just knew it had a green cover...or was it blue? How can she lose a book? One look at her room answers that! It's a disaster. I look under the bed, through her bookshelf, in the closet, under the covers, on top of the covers, under her pillow, in her stuffed animal bucket...nothing. I search her brothers' rooms, the playroom, I even look in the bathroom. Nothing. Then I go and pick her up from school and she shows me the new book she checked out of the library. "How did you get a book? You lost yours!" I ask. "Oh, someone must have turned it in for me...it was at school the whole time!" ARGH!! No wonder I don't get anything done!